Author Topic: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me  (Read 4298 times)

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Offline SleepingBeau

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Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« on: August 14, 2014, 12:19:05 PM »
I grew up completely and 100% heterosexual. Or at least, as best as I can remember, I never liked boys until I was out of high school. Not until I reasoned with a friend that our use of 'fag' and 'gay' truly was derogatory, and in an ensuing conversation, realized that there was nothing wrong with homosexuality but everything wrong with our cursing and avoidant behavior. I vowed from that point onward to be open to romance and sexuality with not just girls, but guys too.

And as coincidence would have it, some time much later I developed a crush on the very guy I had originally figured all that stuff with. My philosophy buddy. My first gentle crush. He never found out, of course.

A few years later, after much attempts at getting used to the sight of a guys body, I found a strange kinship in, of all things, all things furry. The..uh, imagery was very encouraging, and being able to talk with the community gave me the social exposure to all things non-hetero that I never found in real life. My interest was captured and I was excited to see where this could go.

Eventually I started looking for local communities. Being able to talk to people I could potentially meet made it real for me. I started using dating sites to talk with guys. And then finally after, several years after I first started nurturing my interest in guys, I started meeting and talking with guys that I knew were also interested in me. Things went..uh, well, heh.

Or they did for awhile, anyway.

I had been changing. A lot. I wasn't used to all this, and I wasn't used to the typical dynamic that I assumed all relationships were like. I thought I was the submissive type. But then I met submission types that I really liked as a dominant type did. So what was I? Sometimes I felt more like one than the other. Sometimes my sexuality refocused on girls and I wondered if maybe my interest in guys was just a shallow and unimportant thing. For awhile I even thought I stopped liked girls all together.

And that was only the beginning. It was so dizzying, and eventually it did quite a number on my sense of identity. What the hell was I and why was I like this?

Even once I found out about pansexuality it only alleviated the big mess in my head just a little. I didn't like everyone universally the same amount. I didn't even like all the different kinds of people I did the same way, or even from the same sense of self-identity. I tried to be just this single seamless person and it just didn't work. I stopped knowing who I should be around other people. Thinking back on in...that was actually really messed up. I remember a time when I purposely tried to just be void of any personality, I tried to be nobody, because at least then I felt a sense of direction. But no. That was wrong, too.

The next part is a bit of a blur. This had become only a minor problem among bigger ones, and I spent...a year? two years? I don't know. I spent a long time in a very bad state. I lost a lot of myself. When I try to think about into the passed and try to feel who I once was, there's just this gulf between now and then. I remember the bad times. I remember what I don't want to have happen again..ugghhh.....okay skipping to the next part.

Amidst all the emotional turmoil, I started looking for ways to find peace within myself. But how do you find peace and tranquility within a hurricane? (overused metaphor, I know)

But from the depths of my years as a hate-filled teen, I finally found something that might work.

Since just after high-school I had started writing a fanciful fiction regarding the different emotions I felt, and embodied them in characters that lived and breathe within my writing. A comic from a long time ago gave me the idea. The idea was that in each of our heads is of miniature selves that talk and argue and try to assume control of the rest of our body. And so I adopted my own rendition of the idea. I had my own set of characters. From spirit animals, to animated objects, to unseen senses of dread and purpose, these beings were the embodiment of me.

But I had it all wrong. It wasn't a collection of whole entities strongly for dominance. I had decent knowledge of how the brain works, but it wasn't until I was spinning in the eddies of my mental turmoil that it finally clicked. I had been wrong all along.

What I am is a collection of incomplete parts that ebb and flow as the inner workings of my biology changes, and there is no right or wrong inherent in any of it. It just..is. I am all these things. The mess isn't afflicting me. I AM the mess, and unless I learn to control myself, I'll never find control over all that I am.

And then like magic, everything started clicking into place. I didn't need to change who I was to suit what I was doing. I just needed to let my body do what it does, and live my life as who I am at that moment. I'm not a broken mess. I'm a changing whole.

But now I'm complicated. It took me so much just to figure all this out. How can I expect people to understand all this? So many things that I know about myself are derived from science that goes beyond what most people will ever read for themselves. When I try to talk to people about "the issues bothering me" or "the issues bothering them" I feel this huge distance. I've spent so much time reading science and philosophy and thinking about all that it means that when I try to talk to people about "issues", they don't understand me or the things I try to say. There's just too big a gap in our levels of knowledge that no mutual understanding is possible besides agreeing that we don't see eye-to-eye.

But wait, there's more! :(

A problem that had start gently now swings wildly in all directions. The better I learned to develop interest in others, the more open I became to falling for people that for one reason or another I can never have. By this point I've had more crushes and fallen in love with my more people than I can remember anymore, and all but a few have been met with any amount of success.

The last, and strongest, was for a recently married girl that for so many reasons, and not just her engagement, I could never try for anything better than being her best friend. And I might have been able to live with that, MIGHT HAVE, if she hadn't almost told me that she fell in love with me too. And she did that without even knowing how I felt.

For both our privacy, I won't elaborate beyond my &#^$@& everlasting sense of *&$%@$# frustration. I've played it through my mind over and over and over again. I can't even ask her to deny it, much less confirm it. And every time we meet it just gets worse. If things had been different enough, and just barely allowable enough that I could push through and say "To Hell with the consequences!", this would have been the time I did it.

But it wasn't. And now I've lost the first best friend I'd had in a long time, too. So it was the last straw. No more. I've had it. I've tried. I've tried so hard, but every little failure feels amplified a hundred times. I just can't do it anymore. So, in fear, I've run to the tallest mountain, the deepest forest, and the darkest shadows I could find. I don't want to fall in love with people anymore.

But who does that leave me to bond with, even just platonically? As someone who's coached as near a universally pansexual/panromantic interest in other people as I could, how I can feel safe and comfortable if anyone I like enough to be good friends with will eventually become someone I'll like enough to want to be with? With every new face I meet, I tread down familiar paths of remembered pain. Soon after I find out that I like someone enough to be their friend, my mind races to what might be, both in desperate hope and dreadful panic. Every new acquaintance inspires a mental push and pull until I can't take it anymore and want nothing more than to just run away and cry in peace.

But I've taken control of myself. I am a changing whole. I ebb and flow around my pain. And so,

I put distance between me, and everyone else around me.
And the cackling coyote said to the wolf, "Then what will be left to eat but the fat off your lies and my gamey pointless riddles?"

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Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« on: August 14, 2014, 12:19:05 PM »

Offline Risha Kalsyhan

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2014, 05:36:31 PM »
So... I took the time to read all the way through this... Because I've developed a fascination for you. Who can help it after reading what you've written about yourself in some of the deeper, more personal threads here on the forum?

After reading this, I discovered that I've gone through pretty much the same thing, though not nearly to the same extreme. Educating myself about "different" people, accepting them and eventually becoming one of them. And then crushing on everyone I can't have. Like you, I've become... to an extent, dead inside. It took me several minutes to write those last two sentences.

I have my fair share of friends, to whom I am very close and very attached, but when I fall in love, I can't bring myself to express it because of the fear that it won't end well. I'm thinking of giving online dating a try. I know that everyone I meet on an online dating site is available and, hopefully, open, so I have nothing to lose. But all of a sudden, I feel that that might not be necessary.

Beau, we have a lot in common. I'll wager that our biggest difference is your self-awareness and your knowledge of your inner workings. Compared to you, I'm blind to myself. Blind but not deaf.  I feel now that I would love to get to know you in person. ...And perhaps even grow close to you, if you can feel comfortable with that. I can guarantee this much, though: If you ever find that you feel for me, you can rest assured that I won't turn you away. I couldn't if I wanted to; I'm in the same place you are, after all.

I hope I haven't said too much or been too open. For all I know, I've just unconsiously sabotaged myself. Again.

EDIT: By the way, my hands are shaking right now. I don't know why.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2014, 05:40:15 PM by RichTheWolf257 »
Yes, we are going to fight back. But not here, not now, not in the Colonies. Not even in this star system. Let the word go forth to every man, woman and child who survived this holocaust. Tell them to set sail at once in every assorted vehicle that will carry them.

Battlestar Galactica (1978)

Offline SleepingBeau

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2014, 06:27:11 AM »
You haven't sabotaged yourself. I value honesty too much for it to be anything but honored, and your courage to share what you did about yourself would most certainly deserve a returned gesture. There's only so much I can do without physical presence, though. If you had given me this message face to face, especially with how vulnerable I was feeling earlier...

I don't know how to put into words what I want to say, yet, but I didn't want to leave your reply completely unanswered any longer than I already have. You must give me some time to think about this.

And I think that it may perhaps be best for us to continue on in private. I may be open about many things about myself, but what intimate things may pass between me and others, I would prefer to hold these for myself.
And the cackling coyote said to the wolf, "Then what will be left to eat but the fat off your lies and my gamey pointless riddles?"

Offline Wraa

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2014, 06:45:51 PM »
I'm no social butterfly, meeting people for me isn't easy.
That said there are ways to do it.
Get involved in something you enjoy. Gaming for me was a great way to not only meet new people, but improve my social skills through role playing characters. That has given me a lot more courage in social situations than I've had in the past.
Now, I'm still shy to a a degree, though it depends far more on the situation, and really, my own mindset.

That said, there are plenty of other kinds of groups out there.
If you are of age, there is always other sites you can check out:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I've found there are a lot of local groups damn near everywhere, most of these people I've met are open minded, and largely, friendly. They swing in many different ways, and tend not to be too quick to judge.

Still, it's understandable in your situation why you'd put distance between yourself and others, but I hope you are able to perhaps find that which you seek in life.
"You don't wheedle the god of the Dragons, even if he is your father."

Offline SleepingBeau

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2014, 10:53:23 AM »
Ehehe...it's a little self-satisfyingly amusing to me that you linked what you did. I am many things and certain flavors of myself I typically tend to keep very private, as gifts to only very special people, so without saying anything in particular know that I'm happy you suggested what you did.

*gives Wraa a happy hug*

Thank you for your compassion <3
And the cackling coyote said to the wolf, "Then what will be left to eat but the fat off your lies and my gamey pointless riddles?"

Offline Wraa

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2014, 03:59:41 PM »
You are very welcome. I hope it helps.
"You don't wheedle the god of the Dragons, even if he is your father."

Offline Risha Kalsyhan

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Re: Why I Put Distance Between Me and Everyone Around Me
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2014, 02:39:04 AM »
Ehehe...it's a little self-satisfyingly amusing to me that you linked what you did. I am many things and certain flavors of myself I typically tend to keep very private, as gifts to only very special people, so without saying anything in particular know that I'm happy you suggested what you did.

*gives Wraa a happy hug*

Thank you for your compassion <3
Who woulda thunk?
Yes, we are going to fight back. But not here, not now, not in the Colonies. Not even in this star system. Let the word go forth to every man, woman and child who survived this holocaust. Tell them to set sail at once in every assorted vehicle that will carry them.

Battlestar Galactica (1978)